My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
What fresh Hell is this?!?