My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?