My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.