My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
You Might Also Like
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Well, that should do it
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
excuse me
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Squirrels before girls.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.