My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I want to meet the individual who made this
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Smile they said.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.