Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
…żyje?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
the saddest jazz hands ever
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right