“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
quarantine day 3
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My dad teaching me to drive
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Meme Monday.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Hot hot hot 🥵
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.