My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop