@TheTobbie: My mind: "Today was a productive day." My body: "Please don't drink 11 cups of coffee again."...
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@uncle_fescue: Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You're Superman, handle your shit. This ain't a game, dawg.
@BuckyIsotope: [on game show] Choose a door for a goat or a new car "I'll take door #2" You've won the car! *sees it's a Kia* "Can I have the goat instead"
@weinerdog4life: Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
@illuminatedwndr: cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: "do you know y i pulled u over?" Me: "because Batman is catching all the criminals"