@TheTobbie: My mind: "Today was a productive day." My body: "Please don't drink 11 cups of coffee again."...
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@weinerdog4life: me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
@AristotlesNZ: Me: I don't like online shopping. I'm old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it. Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
@krautsider: Top 4 horrified face expressions: 4. dragged away by crocodile 3. stabbed by serial killer 2. mauled by bear 1. no toilet paper
@EndhooS: Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months Reporter: so what happened? Scientist: it's dead.