Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
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Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.