My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Noted.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
the red hot silly peppers
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?