My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.