@thatguyJA: My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan
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@marcia_bee: I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it's going to be impossible. A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!
@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
@dyldonot: [first date] me: don't let her know you vocalise everything you think her: what? me: shit she knows
@jake_lach: <-----Will never confess the actual number of house cats he's forced outdoors when the owner wasn't looking