Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
That’s classic.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?