My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish