Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
LOOOOOOL
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles