@toni_goldsetin: My mom always has these great sayings for life, like "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "Everybody hates you."
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@aksorojas: I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there's not enough balloons for everyone.
@batkaren: What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
@causticbob: Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.