I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
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Bring back the McRib
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.