Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
You Might Also Like
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
At least he brought enough for everyone
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?