@SkinnerSteven: I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this

@slyoung5: Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@onion_an: [police raid at balloon store] Cop on radio:"We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over" Hedgehog cop inside:"Its not gunfire, over"