@Sal0630: Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

@Reverend_Scott: "Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?" No, you'd be disappointed. "Wait-" Because- "Don't say it-" Omelette u down. "Please leave."

@markleggett: People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.

@MindyFurano: person: can you keep a secret? me: I'll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life person: oh thank god

@highxpectation2: No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.