drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
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Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
😜
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Did I do this right
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.