@robdelaney: My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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@daemonic3: WIFE: Don't embarrass me in front of my boss, he's colorblind ME: Duh [later at party] ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
@animadvertguy: LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th? ME: alibi school LAWYER: can u prove this? ME: wait, the 13th? LAWYER: ya ME: k no I was murdering that day
@ehchino: How do I know you're not a cop? "If I was a cop, how would I have this?" *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good