My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.