Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!