@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
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@Marlebean: My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
@_coryrichardson: [Dog tennis match] Dog: *throws ball up to serve* *all dogs in the audience simultaneously bolt onto the court*
@squirrel74wkgn: Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger? Me: *hands cash*
@weinerdog4life: If everyone would stop screaming, I'm sure we'd all agree I'm not supposed to be in this women's restroom.