@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
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@CulturedRuffian: Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
@figgled: Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear 1. exploding glove 2. ham sandwich 3. flaming fireplace 4. Dead bird helmet 6. shark eggs
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [taking communion at church] I'm a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?