My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans