@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
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@_Ms_Moneypenny_: The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I'm not sure if that's considered sexual harassment or flirting.
@WritePlay: *date* GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs? LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
@TweetsByTheTony: The Lion King is probably my favorite children's movie about running away from your problems until you're strong enough to kill your uncle.
@IvoryGazelle: 8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up 28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!