My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Buying a well is money well spent.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.