My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that