My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
*pronounces patio like ratio
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.