@Mama_in_heels: My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.
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@seanscrap: Hello, Atheist Ghostbusters? Yes? I have a ghost in my bathroom. No, you don’t. Oh, right. Thanks so much! That’s why we’re here.
@UberFacts: A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber's "Baby" between classes and students had to pay to stop it - They earned $1,000 in 3 days.
@KeetPotato: [me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party] me: "how did we both fit in this lmao"