Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
then why did i get this email
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.