My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
You Might Also Like
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.