My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
We’ve all been there
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*mops up wine with cat*
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer