My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
You Might Also Like
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on