my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*aggressively waits in line*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.