my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
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Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted