@veggiefemme: My mom doesn't understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that's why. (Not blow)
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@BoozyMusic: My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y'all to never let your kids name your pets.
@SamGrittner: They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.