My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*