@veggiefemme: My mom doesn't understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that's why. (Not blow)
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@teenpuke: *cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
@AnniemuMary: My husband got new earbuds. Think I'll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
@pbear79: I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said... "Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they're going to die."
@AndyAsAdjective: *gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder* "Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"