My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
You Might Also Like
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.