My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha