My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.