Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼