My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Google assistant rules
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
*cough*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.