@djdarrellripley: My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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@ArfMeasures: ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I've ever travelled on BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress
@jergarl: Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my résumé W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?