@djdarrellripley: My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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@booyahchadly: Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
@stanleybehrman: From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
@DirtMcTurd: Life advice: 1.Never be afraid to say what's on your mind 2.Never be afraid to do what's on your mind 3.Don't take life advice on Twitter
@Travon: The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing "Stay With Me" into a megaphone.