@djdarrellripley: My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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@UncleDuke1969: Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant... Cut off from the world. Stephen King & Pixar present: "A BUG'S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME"
@mikealfredcaine: shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
@Andee_Stewart: I always close the door to the bathroom even if I'm home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
@AaronFullerton: USA: "Hey nachos, today's your big day!" Nachos: "What about Cinco de Mayo?" USA: "What'd you just say?" Nachos: "Nothing."