My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Not even remotely sorry.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.