My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
You Might Also Like
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “