The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I love wikipedia
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Bros before Ohioes
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.