My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
man: wait
time: no
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY