Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!