my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
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This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.