My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
You Might Also Like
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.