@kevnasto: My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said "can you hear me?"
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@QwertyJones3: An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
@batkaren: [after lover's spat] ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes. HER: You're just naming foods. ME: Pumpkin. Muffin. HER: ... ME: Zucchini bread.
@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.