A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.