@Kendragarden: My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, "Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart." She tagged my sister.
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@AimeeHelene1: (telling a ghost story) You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That's adulthood coming for you! *all the adults start screaming*
@matt___nelson: "Will he ever wake up?" He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*
@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume