@FSUSteve: My mom just replied to my text with "K." Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
@Cpin42: It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
@popcorn_dog: [Dark room] **taco crunch** Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium **slow taco crunch**
@MattchooFitz: "Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!" [tries to date pizza] [gets friend calzoned]