My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here