My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
The glory of fall.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not