@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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@DurtMcHurtt: [making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
@Up2Long: Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
@Shock_Monster: Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?
@PhuckinCody: [starbucks] BARISTA: can i get a name? ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order ME: oh! we'll call this "the most important order of the day"