@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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@WhaJoTalkinBout: [Petco] INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real fish person. ME: Like a mermaid? INTERVIEWER:
@jjhartinger: I don't really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
@gojarbe: [gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway