@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
@TheDeducers: I'm not waiting until I'm a ghost to tell people 'get out of my house' in a creepy voice